Somewhere along the line I am getting things very wrong. We are two months away from a 3 week break in the school curriculum, which means time to get away and we cant find anything to do or anywhere to go. Of course that’s not strictly true. Our ideas are several and varied but nothing that really makes us jump up and down and say ” yes!”. I feel slightly uncomfortable about that. How can I feel like that? Its slightly immoral.
Florida is out of the question ( I wanted to drive through the Keys and visit Hemingway Country) due to the humidity and possible hurricanes. Its raining in South Africa and anyway, I am off there in November. We have done Camper Van trips for 2 years and so feel something new should be done. We missed the last cabin on the boat trip up the Croatian Coastline. What else beckons…..
Its part of the malaise that I am currently feeling. It must be to do with getting older and getting stale. I no longer feel able to view anything at work with interest or amusement. ( I cant even Blog about the current saga this week. 2 kids have Mumps and its spreading like wildfire.) I tried horse riding today and kept looking at my watch to see when it would be finished so that I could get back home and so on and so on
We have been invited to two parties over two weekends and the excuses are already on my lips. I wont go. I simply wont. I have tried meditating but I am too angry to sit quietly and think about sucking a raisin. I cant be imagining raindrops falling over leaves or water tumbling over stones. I pace the floor at night unable to sleep and then crave sleep in the day just to escape and shut things out.
( Up the Revolution, Brother!)
Brexit was discussed amongst our friends over the weekend. I looked at them around our table. From socialists to conservatives and Imperialists in between. Any decision wouldn’t really affect them , or me. Shall we stay in; shall we leave. My thoughts have ebbed and flowed. In truth as I cant make a decision and stick with it, I know I probably wont even vote. Currently I don’t even care. I hope the rest of the UK is not as apathetic as I am.
But then when I think about other situations. Awful situations around the world and try to feel ashamed at how small my ” problems ” are… it still doesn’t seem to help. I try to engage people in my passion in South Africa, but again, no one can see beyond mess and violence. So no one is interested in what I would like to do. In truth I would like to take off; spend time with these lovely people; teach English; hang out. Spontaneous; generous minded. But how can I leave the business I have? As the Pilot once said to me… ” Jacks, be careful what you wish for. You have created a beast” He was right and the beast now controls me…) When I visit the Masi Township I always hook up with this lady. She is probably 20 years younger than me but 50 years wiser. And she does such great works for her community. I have never felt anything other than warmth and kindness from her.
All of the profits that we receive from the students we send to Cape Town, are sent back to the local community. Its a drop in a very large ocean and it doesn’t do the trick. It doesn’t salve my conscience. It isn’t tangible enough for me. I want to be in it. In the thick of it. In truth of course, I don’t have any problems and just need one of those proverbial kicks up the arse I used to give my boys.
I am off to bed and hopefully tomorrow I may feel better, but I wont hold my breath!
Night night…… Too late