I popped into the Luvvies earlier to see if they had any Feta cheese. It was a pointless exercise as asking them if they had Feta Cheese was like asking the Pope if he had any ( spare) condoms! It aint gonna happen.
However whilst there , I noticed that in the corner there was a bit of a fracas going on with Beryl and another woman. Now I hadn’t seen much of Beryl since she got the Llama drunk ( as some of you will remember ) and had decided to keep a low profile, so I wasn’t sure whether to go and see what it was all about or keep on going to Waitrose to get said Feta Cheese. In any event I went over there for no other reason than nosiness and was quite surprised at what I saw. Beryl appeared to be slightly flushed and red in the face so I wanted to ensure she was ok. The woman who was entering into combat with Beryl seemed absolutely furious and although I have known Beryl to be slightly, ok very annoying at times, I have never known her to be confrontational and frankly, combative. I decided to weigh in.
“Are you ok Beryl?” I said, which I agree was a pretty naff thing to say but it started conversation off . Whilst I was doing that Mr Luvvie came over as well, probably encouraged by Mrs Luvvie and boosted up with courage by my being there also. ( Note to Hariod, I put a comma here instead of the old ……. ( is that correct please?) told the other woman ( are you keeping up?) to scarper. What was it all about, I wonder?
Whilst Peter Luvvie droned on about the saga unfolding right before his eyes, my mind was on other things as usual and I didn’t really get all of the reasons why and wherefore. I had just put out a couple of fires ( literally!) at the school which was the result of Dennis Much-Humper’s wife being slightly too imperious with some of the students. Dennis Much-Humper;s wife was privately educated in Switzerland, don’t ya know, and has a voice which is always slightly breathy on account of her weight and would be better suited to Phone Sex than TEFL> The voice – not the lady! She is rather posh and makes me feel very second class so I do remember to moderate my tones much more than usual when she is around.
She had stood in today as an Emergency Teacher for a group of ” shssh sshh, you know who’s” from Paris and they had all taken a dislike to her. So much so that when she was busy writing up phrasal verbs on the whiteboard they threw some paper in the bin and set fire to it. You can imagine her saying ” Does anyone smell burning” and they all laughing and saying “Pourquoi?” as the French do in that rather annoying tone of theirs.
She finally found the offending wastepaper bin alight under her desk and having success in carrying that to the water cooler and extinguishing it, the “little darlins'” had lit another one. In all they lit three bins until there was nothing more to light and although she demanded all lighters to be given over to her, no one took a blind bit of notice. The lessons went from bad to worse until their own French teachers were brought in to supervise. Not a good day for Sherry Much-Humper and she took herself off in a fit of pique in the direction of the Teacher’s Room to study up for her afternoon lessons. As they were a case of privately educated Japanese girls, she didn’t fear that the lessons would be so tortuous and in any case, she was getting Mr Wu to sit in and help her ” after all they are from the same country – sort of!” she declared to me with a wave of her hand and as if to say it was going to happen and she would brook no argument!
Whilst I didn’t have a problem with anyone assisting I certainly didn’t want her to think it would be best to have Mr Wu there because as we all know, he is from Hong Kong and they don’t speak the same language as they do in Tokyo. I tried to explain this to both her and Mr Wu but neither were having any of it.
“Everything is A OK” as Mr Wu was fond of saying ” Its ok, I have Sherry’s backside and everything will be fine” and with that he went into the corridor and shouted at them ( because that’s what you do with foreigners, isn’t it.. shout so they understand 🙂 ) ” All students follow me. And he bowed very low and shouted ” Sayonara. Sayonara” which as you can expect, caused a lot of confusion, not only in the corridors of power, but also in the minds of the little Japanese Girlies who were all left open mouthed and wondering where to go and what to do!
“err, Mr Wu, I think you have just told them goodbye” questioned Sherry
“Yes, everybody happy. Come. Come.” and he opened his official Tour Guide Umbrella in the corridor and led them all to their classroom with shouts of ” Follow me. Follow me. Keep up everybody follow British umbrella” even though the classroom entrance was right next door to where he was standing.
As I walked by later I could see that Sherry was sitting in the corner and had given over the entire lesson to Mr Wu who was telling them about the culture in Britain! As I happened to glance at the material on the board that he was using I could see he was speaking about breakfast in Britain. ” Everyone here, we eat good breakfast every morning. Egg. Bacon. Mushroom. Beans. Not too many. Make you fart ( and he gave a little laugh) and strawberries. ” I peered again at the teaching material Mr Wu was showing and could see that he had mistaken a bloody tomato for a strawberry. I couldn’t stop myself. ” Mr Wu. Its not a strawberry. We do not have strawberries on our breakfast. Its a tomato. We have tomatoes with our breakfast.” and to emphasise the point again I said ” TOMATOES!” in a very tired tone. ( Well it was 3 o clock by this time and the day seemed awfully long)
It was quite important to get this right as we were taking the girls out in the morning to experience a British Breakfast from a Hot Food Truck! I do so love these cultural immersion ideas we have…..( see picture at the top )
He looked at me. The Japanese girls looked at me. Even Sherry, who thought this might get interesting, looked at me. He looked again at the picture. I could see I had made a mistake. I must remember that the Chinese don’t like to loose ” face”. Silence. Then he replied, “Yes, of course. You put tomato on egg. I put strawberry on egg. Its an Englishman’s privilege to choose” and he laughed again thinking he had dug himself out of a deep hole
Mr Wu. An Englishman! I didn’t see it coming.
I made my excuses, bowed and left the room. Suddenly a cup of tea seemed the answer to everything. As they say in the Pacific Rim, but more particularly in Japan, Konichiwa… 🙂