It had been a filthy day and so I went home and drank some filthy wine. Well, okay that was the way it should have been as we only allow ourselves to drink filthy wine ( ie Fairtrade cheap Co-0p vino) in the week and save the (so called) good stuff for the weekend. But even though it was only Tuesday I thought, ” to hell with it” and headed straight for a lovely cold bottle of Chablis and wrestled with the cork. One of the few bottles still with a cork rather than a screw top and the cork screw was nowhere in sight. After gazing at the rather buttery colours in the wine bottle, still unopened, I gave up and headed to the dining room and had a rummage for the Dinner Party Chocolates. In one particular cupboard I know that we keep the decent chocolates for Peeps when they come and dine with us, so I side stepped everything until I found the Green and Blacks and then, oh how I plundered it! I have a penchant for the 80% cocoa and I also rather like the Butterscotch so once I had eaten all of those flavours, I felt not only satisfied but also slightly disgusted with myself for being such a Pig.
Yes, as I couldn’t open the Chablis I gorged on chocolate and anyway I don’t want anyone to think I am slightly louche drinking at 4pm in the afternoon. So what was the reason for my angst??
I had nipped into The Luvvies for some artisan bread on the way home and found Pete acting in a very strange way . He had had to sit down and Lyn was administering a Paracetamol and a cup of milky tea to him. She hadn’t put sugar in the tea, even though he had had a shock on account of him being a diabetic. She came up close and confided that to me in a conspiratorial manner! He did indeed look ” quite queer” if we are still allowed to use that phrase, but I shall use it regardless as it depicts his current state as anything other than his normal self. I asked what was wrong and he told me that it was Beryl. Now as you know Beryl is usually the cause of a lot of my upset, especially when she gets near my Llamas but I was quite surprised as to what she could do in the space of ten minutes in the local Corner Shop.
It would appear that Beryl had popped in for some milk to finish off one of her culinary delights and because she was just popping out, she wasn’t properly dressed. In fact to really inflict the Reader with the state of her dress I can now inform you that she was in fact ” undressed” and this was why Pete had ” one of his turns!”
The Luvvies are not people to take part in the Shenanigans of our area – they don’t called it “Share ‘Em Beach” for nothing ( nod, nod, wink wink) and are obviously of a disposition which allows them to be easily offended. Gentle people living a gentle life and even Beryl should know not to go about her business in a way likely to startle the horses. When I questioned him further, well Lyn, because Pete was still not well enough to answer questions, she informed me that Beryl had come in for some provisions and made her way to the Till Point to pay ( Lyn’s words not mine). When Pete looked up and told her it was 81p he found that he was almost face to face with one of Beryl’s uncovered breasts. Pete obviously had to make sure that he was not seeing things ( that’s my interpretation, not Lyn’s) and so stuttered again and began to stare. Beryl, now aware that something was not right with Pete, asked him why he was staring at her. By this time he had become a blithering Idiot and called for Back Up. Back Up came in the form of Lyn who rushed from the Store Room where ( so she tells me again) she had been having 50 winks on top of the Basmati Rice and having raced to the front of the shop is just in time to catch Pete starting to faint.
Now Beryl still unaware of the reason for this situation ( Houston, we have a situation!)rushes forward to help him, at which point her unfettered breast fell forward, on account of her bending down, and slapped Pete right across the chops! Now although Lyn is by no means what you would call a Small Lady without her share of nature’s assets, I don’t suppose there has been a snowballs chance in Hell that she would have slapped her breasts (unfettered or not) across Pete’s face at any time in their marriage and so when it happened however inadvertently Pete just clean blacked out
It took a further few seconds before Beryl realised what the fuss was all about and when she did she burst into howls of laughter. ” totally dis-respectful” hissed Lyn when she re-told the story to me. Beryl, obviously without guilt or shame looked down and realised that she had put her coat on in such a hurry that she had not really done the buttons up correctly and left a gap half way up – or down, depending on your predilection. Hence one of her pneumatic breasts had worked their way loose and whilst she was deciding upon semi skimmed or Jersey Cream it became visible for all to see. Well, only Pete in this case as she was the only one of the shop at the time. ” Its a mistake that can happen to anyone” she shouted at Lyn, who had accused her of trying to seduce her Pete who had high blood pressure at the best of times and wasn’t going to have his head turned by the likes of her (Beryl.) I would like to inform the Readers that Pete, currently, stands on the wrong side of 70 plus years
“YOU ARE BANNED FOR LIFE” shouts Lyn with firm conviction. So Beryl flounced out with her milk in one hand and slammed the door on leaving. However, whilst Lyn was trying to lift Pete up, Beryl returned and with a rather grand flourish opened her coat completely to show not one unfettered breast or even two, but the whole naked as a Jay Bird body which as you can imagine left absolutely nothing to the imagination and certainly elevated Pete’s already high blood pressure to a level worthy of hospitalisation. ” I wont shop here again. You are both so provincial” Beryl could be heard to shout as she exited again.
After retelling the story, probably with the odd embellishment, I could see Lyn had become quite flushed, so I made my excuses and left.
As Lovely Man said later when I told him over dinner ” you couldn’t make it up!”… and I didn’t.