Mr Wu and the Panamanian

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I haven’t yet decided whether I will forgive Beryl or not for giving Pete ( aka Petronella the Llama) some Sailor’s Rum the other day to calm him down.  As it happened he didn’t seem to suffer any ill effects, but who knows with Llamas??

We dropped him, literally, in the garden.         It was all four of us could do ( even with Beryl taking one leg) to carry him and by the time it was feeding time, he seemed to have gotten over it and was starting to feel rather peckish.  You may wonder how I know this, but it was because, as usual, he was back biting the fence posts and hacking off my neighbour……..

Beryl still hasn’t called me to ask if he is ok and so I am sulking. It seems downright irresponsible.  Not only being drunk in charge of an anima but ensuring that said animal is drunk as well!  In any event, I certainly don’t want any more ” Drinkie, Darhling?  A little one?  Just a small one” afternoons and so my liver are I feeling somewhat virtuous.  Oh and hasn’t someone mentioned it is LENT!!!

I have also decided to do a bit of ” chaffing” in the office and see who has become dispensable now instead of indispensable.  Usually I don’t have a problem but lately there has been a bit of a romance ( one sided of course) between the Panamanian and the Chinaman.      Being a broad minded sort of Broad, I would normally turn the other way when an office romance starts to blossom, but Ms Panama has started to act in a rather wanton way and come on, she is 65!  I am all for not looking your age but anyone who goes around with a push up bra at plus 60 years ought to be reported straight to the Style Police, especially when they have been pushed up so hard they look like a cross between a Rugby Ball and a kids balloon. Pneumatic tyres have nothing on her.  I spoke to her about it during a coffee break moment at the Water Cooler the other day, but she tossed her hair at me and stalked off rather like a Lipizzaner Pony who had been recently injured.    Yes, you guessed correctly.  She is also wearing 5 inch stilettos with extremely pointed toes, so quick or graceful exits are currently, not her forte. She is nothing if not petulant and I wonder if she had been watching far too many episodes of “Gone with the Wind” because she said ” Frankly, lady, I don’t care a jot” which had all of the trademarks of Rhett Butler but just with the other gender. No wonder she headed over to Britain and not Cuba..

.I daresay Castro would have incarcerated her the amount of trouble she seems to encourage. Finally, she also has started this very funny winkling up of her nose whenever he speaks to her and so I feel, un oeuf is definitely un oeuf ( or enough is enough)

So I lay awake at night wondering how I can calm the tempo in the office and what should be done about it when it appeared, late one afternoon that Mr Wu sorted it himself.  I daresay he was very flattered at the attention even if he was married and I also think that it took the pressure of others in the office when Ms Panama floated around him, but who could anticipate that such an innocent but double entendre of a remark would send her heading for the hills in double quick time.   It went rather like this…

“Mr Wu”… she whispered in his ear ” could you save my parking space for me today when I have to go to town so that when I get back, I wont have to worry about looking for another space?” and she heaved her very ample and well padded bosoms in his direction.  Mr Wu never one to make a decision in a hurry and definitely not when it was Chinese New Year thought about this.  ” I just need you to drive behind me and when I move out, you move in. Can you manage that?”  she simpered in his direction and I swear her very false eyelashes fluttered….

“You want me to drive in your parking space.  Save your space and wait until you come back, so you can still be close to office”

“Yes, that’s right, ” she purred and pulled a wisp of hair across her face and began sucking it. Most of the office had stopped to gape now.  It was all, frankly, becoming somewhat unseemly. Heavens above, is that her example of being coquettish and why on earth is her hair now falling down around her shoulders.  This morning it was in the tightest bun a woman could imagine.  He thought for a minute, smiled and then replied  ” ah ok.  No problem, I will come straight up your backside!”

Silence. A sense of slight embarrassment and a movement on chairs.  How uncomfortable. A quick imagination of the scene and all of its connotations .  How very literal. How very amusing. How very Mr Wu   !

By the time Mr Wu has delivered his response.  Thought about what he had said and it had been digested, Ms Panama has become most red faced and scarpered off without him.  Mr Wu sat back in his chair for a minute and smiled.  “I don’t think she want me to help her with parking any more”….

So you see, Mr Wu was not as silly as we thought and he turned to me and said ” You always tell me.  Don’t speak English from a text book.  Everyday English. Speak like English person …but this time Google Translator it worked….”

“I typed in….come up behind, in Chinese because I didn’t know exactly what she was saying and it came back with that reply.  See I even wrote it down.. ”  and he showed me the words proudly written across his palm.  He beamed at everyone left in the office.  “Everybody’s happy.. “he said. ” Everybodys happy!”  And  whether that was by fault or design, I don’t know, but one thing is for sure, there is no better Fixer than a Wily Chinese Fox and that is why we love him!

Final Score….

Panamanians   Nil

Chinese   One

Until next time… when I let Mr Wu take 50 kids to London and he comes back with 65, and no one seems to notice.  Up the revolution…..



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