How to look good in a Christmas Jumper

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There seems to be a rise in knitwear.  I have noticed it quite a lot this autumn.  Worse, it would appear that we are now heading into unchartered territory.  When I say ” We” , of course  I mean us shy and recalcitrant Brits. Yes, there would appear to be the rise of selfies on Christmas Cards with a note tucked inside about stories of how little Millie has started to swim and Johnny can now ride a bike. ( Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. ) Add to that the wearing of totally ridiculous Christmas Jumpers.  I saw one today with a Rudolph on it with a flashing nose.  For heavens sake!  Did you even look in the mirror before you leave the house?  I have also seen some with Christmas Puddings on them; a whole nativity scene where you had to do a 180 degree turn around the person to see the Wise Men and, worse of all, one which, if you pressed the secret button would sing to you. However, the secret button pressing, somewhere which I can not share with you can only be beaten by, in my opinion, Rudolph hanging precariously from a woman’s breast!

Really!  Have you seen yourself ?  How old are you?  Oh, P-L-E-A-S-E!

I would like to say I can blame it on the Americans, along with the sudden interest in all things cinnamon but that wouldn’t be fair, as I have seen my fair share of Japanese students wearing very dodgy knitwear.  Ans come to that, not only students but adults as well.   Additionally, each Czech student that has come to us this season has appeared with the equivalent of a Yak Herders Hat on their head, regardless of weather  .  We had one particular guide who was a rather splendid lady and very nice but each week she returned to us, she had a different knitted hat on her head.  Even when the weather was positively tropical, there it stood, or rather wrapped, around her ears.  And every one with those bloody dangly pom poms falling like knitted plaints around her face. So she did, as I said, look like she should be herding Yaks, rather than foreign students.  Yes I know it seems mean and small minded, but Heavens Above, do you expect me to take you seriously, wearing one of those????????

Additionally, Cardigan Man who lives on The Beach has always rather eschewed the idea of knitted tops and each time I have seen him wandering along with Tess the Dog, he has the same one on.  Well maybe it isn’t the same one – maybe he has five or six and he just likes the same patterns because obviously at some point he would need to wash them.. or not!       I can t wait to meet him on the Beach on Christmas Day because I am hoping ( and betting) he has changed from his cardigan into a Christmas Day Jumper complete with something seasonal and a sprinkling of cinnamon on the top.   You will see that I have cut the head off this model because someone has to protect his anonymity …. its hardly New York Fashion Week modelling this now, is it? GET A LIFE! I want to shout and don’t sell yourself so cheaply for any old modelling assignment and the chance to be on the cover of Knitters Weekly Mag.   Frankly, I think doing a modelling assignment for Knitted Cardigans must be the equivalent of starring in a Porn Mag for wannabe Actors!  One day when you are up there on the Catwalk modelling some Hugo Boss suit, there will be an ex love     ” Snap Chatting” pictures of you in the cardigan.

Yes, its been a funny week all round.  My dad has been taken to hospital and whilst I sometimes think he does it to get a ” changement d’air”, as the French would say and get someone else doing the cooking, its nearly a week now so they must be thinking something is wrong.  I, of course would concur with that opinion because when I went to visit him I saw that he was reading the Guardian.                           Now my father is a dyed in the wool Tory and reading the Guardian was never something he would do or certainly be seen to be doing. So he must be ill… or at least rather unwell.   In fact once when I was despatched as a child to get the Sunday papers for him, I forgot which one he wanted and brought back the Observer.  He was so incensed at that , that he made me get back on my bike and cycle back to the Newsagents to ask for the Sunday Torygraph and if that had already been sold out, I was to get the Sunday Times. 

So seeing him with the daily equivalent of ” dammed literature” made me smile.  He could see he had been caught out and said that it was the only paper left in the Hospital Shop and there were some good articles in them….and made an ideal read if you were a teacher or social worker.  Hmmmm! Who said the Lion was not for turning….

Anyway, back to the original question! The only way to wear a Christmas Jumper is to put a jacket on over the top and zip it up. Right up tight under your chin.  That way, no one would see you and you will still have your kudos about you.

But lets face it, why would you want to wear one anyway……

That’s it – hide that jumper away…… someone is bound to be watching you…..


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