Carmen Miranda and Arsene Wenger


I’ve taken myself off to the Library to get a little bit of peace as the Football Season seems to have taken off in a BIG way this week.  I’m not entirely happy but what can I say?  So I thought I would take the lap top and do some research at the Local Library and, if nothing else, support it before it closes.

The lady beside me is quite odd but there isn’t a choice of other seats and I need to hook up to the internet supply there.  She keeps giving me sidelong glances and spreading out her papers so that she looks both important and peculiar.  Such looks ensure no one sits next to her.  She also has an extremely noisy keyboard and I want to ask her to put it on       ” silent”.  She is typing at a rate of knots and again it all seems to be in an effort to seem busy or self important.  Either way, I don’t want to sit next to her and she doesn’t want to sit next to me.  Additionally after taking some shifty glances around the Library she dips into her bag and  takes a swig from a bottle.  If I wasn’t a lady, I would say it was alcohol laced but then, that’s not nice! It was when she started slicing a lemon at her desk then I really began to be suspicious.   She is also wearing a rather large brimmed hat which would be more suited for a trip up the Panama  Canal.       It certainly doesn’t suit for indoors wear and most definitely not in the Library.  I stare at it in an effort to get her to take it off…but she ignores my stares and puts it back at an even more jaunty angle.  I notice she had a thick piece of elastic which allows her to do this without slipping down.  It reminds me of the elastic my mother used to put on my gloves and thread them through my winter coat when I was young.  Couth, she certainly, is not.   I give her one of my lofty stares.. but it makes not a jot of difference, which proves, without reason of doubt that she is definitely a social climber without a trace of proprietary at all!

I do think that the Library attracts an assortment of people.  Some go there just to keep out of the cold; some for company and some to hide.  I think today I am the third option.  Now you may wonder what I am hiding from but its, as I said earlier, the dreaded sport and the Football in particular. Having done a rather dubious deal with the Cable Company, we now have BT Sports for an extra £1.00 a month.  Rather like Arsene , I often sit and weep at such rash decisions.

Today favourite team of Lovely Man (LM) have lost and it would appear lost badly. Not so much on the goal difference, although I suspect that the own goal from Giroud would make one groan.

Apparently they arent playing well together and someone needs to ” give the Ref some glasses!”.  It didn’t help that ” The Turk” just runs around and doesn’t do any passing.  In fact if I heard any more reasons why they aren’t playing well, then I could make a play for Chief Commentator on Match of the Day…… and so I thought I would make my escape and get a little more of a cultural immersion.  I am trying to prepare an article promoting some of our work in South Africa but I don’t seem to be doing very well.  Our French Agents are very keen on it and want us to meet them to talk it through.  I am having to take Sofia from the office with me because she is very good at speaking French and I need her to put some emphasis on it.  Additionally she is the right side of 40 and her breasts haven’t reached her knees yet, so I am hoping she can be the ” candy” whilst I do the selling.  Its also a sad fact in the office that I am now the eldest working there.  I cant believe it.  I now have to take someone younger and firmer to do the flirting and pouting and all I do is say ” sign here” and clear the coffee cups afterwards…

Having almost nodded off due to the lack of fresh air and the heat being way beyond maximum I am awoken by a tapping on my shoulder.  Remembering that I should be quiet at all times ( even if Mrs Panama Hat is still banging away on her noisy keyboard) I stifle a yawn and turn around.  There is Sofia doing a very good impression of Carmen Miranda with a basket of fruit on her head which certainly shows the meaning of    ” Five a Day”.  Yes, somewhere along the line Sofia had slipped out of the office and purchased a hat.       I was somewhat stunned into silence as I couldn’t see if she had bought it for a joke or indeed to be ” chic” when we go to Paris.  And were they really bunches of grapes posing as ear-rings and hanging decorously from her lobes?  Indeed it was such a crowd stopper than even Mrs Panama had stopped her clanking on the keyboard and turned around…whilst doing another dodgy dip into her bag for alcohol hydration.(  I really cant work out what she is doing there and I guess she probably wants to know why I am there as well)

Having seen that the Football Team of Choice has not done very well and lost…I worry about venturing home.  The mood will not be good.  Additionally if there has been a lot of shouting about own goals and lost chances then the dog will be worried.  ShebahDog is quite old now and rather deaf but if LM shouts and jumps up in front of the TV then she gets worried and paces the floor.  Additionally, George the Rag Doll Cat rushes around when any sport is on because he feeds off the energy ( negative or otherwise) of LM and pees where-ever he can.  Now I don’t want you to think that George isn’t housetrained , because he is.  He just pees in the house when one of several things happen;

1 we don’t feed him IMMEDIATELY he whines for it

2 we try to shoosh him out of the dining room or sitting room

3 we pay more attention to Shebah Dog

4 he is startled or anxious ( ie when LM’s team is losing)

other than that he is the most relaxed & bovine cat I have yet to meet.  

He has also been (inter)bred to within an inch of his coat and so brains do not feature highly in George’s gene pool.  I wasn’t particularly up for having George initially and in fact I wasn’t particularly up for having any cat but the lady who gave him to me said he was a present and that I shouldn’t be ungrateful when people gave me presents. She was very good at staring and she had begin to raise her voice so lots of people looked ot see what indeed I was being ungrateful about and a few seconds after that I was getting some Tuts and raised eyebrows.  So I shut up and brought him home and he has been living “high on the hog” ever since.  I have to say he is very sociable and gets on well with Shebah Dog; the Llamas and of course the Chickens.  In fact when he sees the chickens, or indeed any birds he turns away so he cant look at that them anymore.  Somewhere in his head he sees “feathers” and knows that there is something that should be done with them ( ie catch; kill and eat them) but as he isn’t exactly sure he turns away and forgets all about them.  Its obviously the easy route for everything in the World of George and anyway why exert energy catching your dinner when you can just make a bally nuisance of yourself in the kitchen and some poor soul will open a tin.

I head home in any event because I don’t want to keep receiving sidelong glances from Gin Lady (aka Panama Queen) and Carmen Miranda (aka Sofia) has gone home to get an early night.  Upon approaching my house I see LM heading furiously towards me and going so fast he has built up a head of steam.  I ask where he is going in such a hurry,but he rushes by and simply waves a letter in my general direction.  ” Who is it to?” I shout to him..

” Arsene Bloody Wenger” he shouts back. ” I have suggested he resign!”

I wont hold my breath for a reply……..  Until next time!