Mary was always going to be lively… and need careful handling, even if it was by Clive. Ladies who don’t seem to have had any children are always on the fringe of being slightly bonkers.. and I am happy to accept any flak that comes my way from that. I have known a few – well maybe more than a few and after I have taken away the self centred and attention seeking genes, you are still left with the ” slightly bonkers” one.
Mary is no exception and currently seems to have stolen ” my best Gay Friend” without any sign of remorse. So I rest my case! She also has taken to demanding we run social evenings for her that she can just drop in on and then yawn in an exaggerated manger and deem us provincial; boring or slightly tedious. One evening after the ” Pub Quiz” which is hold, ironically, at the Yacht Club she said it was all too boring to think about and with a swift emptying of her glass and bladder, she bade us Good Night and off she went. I am still slightly miffed and considering whether to ” row her out ” permanently or not. Frankly, its all T>F>D>
In the middle of all of this Husband Number Two appeared one night and pressed his nose upon my sitting room window. As it is now dark not long after 5pm and I had consumed a couple of Pinots, you can imagine the shock I had when I glanced towards the window and saw him peering in. The fact that I momentarily screamed ( loud) and jumped up, made it all the more amusing for him.
I don’t know why he cant just knock the door like other saner people rather than lurk around in the dark until someone spots him . Of course he had probably needed to have a cigarette before I let him in ( depending of course upon whether I did let him in.. ) because he knows how much I detest smokers both inside and out.
Talking of smoking, I don’t see a lot of him now because he has moved to Belarus. He likes it there because they don’t worry about Smokers but rather embrace them. In the middle of it he got married. For the 5th time, I believe. He has found a very nice girl from Ukraine who seems not to worry about the cigarette smoking and with tobacco there a fraction of the cost of it here, he is, as they would say, rather like a pig in muck! The smoking is a huge thing which is why he cant fly anywhere. He doesn’t like the idea of not being able to smoke exactly when he wants to and this is what happens when he checks into an Airport. Very few of them nowadays have Smoking Lounges so he decided to give up flying and drive everywhere instead. You may find this a little strange, especially when he drives from Belarus to England. He feels he would rather drive for days on end through imaginary Borders ( well currently!) smoking exactly when he wants to and kipping in the car, rather than take a 3 hour flight and get it over with. You can see why the
marriage didn’t last!!
Anyway when he comes to England he usually drives past and sees if I have a bed available for him. Not, of course, my bed, that sort of thing doesn’t happen anymore, but a bed where he can crash at any time and without any curfews. Yes, Husband Number 2 is not only a chain smoker but a nocturnal creature who sleeps when he is tired and not before! A word of caution.. never get caught in conversation with him as you are heading up to bed with the obligatory mug of cocoa, because he will sense he is being left alone and hijack you at the bottom of the stairs and there you will stay until he decides he is done with you. Boy can that bloke talk!
Anyway he knocked the door and asked if I had a bed going….as you do… but sadly Husband Number Three had already taken the bed in the spare room owing to the fact that he had a lung infection and needed to be somewhere warm and dry. His abode, sadly, is none of those two things and so when winter comes around I often find he catches a chill and has to camp out at mine for a week or so. Sadly, Husband number 2 turning up unannounced didn’t help anyone’s chances and both were slightly sniffy towards the other at the thought that one had taken the other’s alternative sleeping arrangements
It was too late in the day to argue the toss with them and so I suggested that they become like the “Odd Couple“, a series from the 1960’s and share a bedroom. As it was late and both were becoming grumpy, I could see they felt it the better option until the morning.
In the meantime, as Number 2 was unpacking and Number 3 was dosing up with Night Nurse, I had a brain wave.
Finding my phone I called Mary and suggested she high tail it over to mine and help me with ” my men!”. I said that one had a severe lung infection which may even be consumption and the other was addicted to substances ( well cigarettes are in a fashion!) and I could do with her help tout de suite. Before I could shout ” Nurse, the screens please!” she had told me not to panic and would be over shortly.
Forty Five minutes later I answered a knock at the door and there, in all her glory was Mary, kitted out in a Nurses Uniform and a Mims Medical Journal under her arm. She pushed past me and said ” where are the patients?” . I was stunned into silence. Never before had I seen a nurse dressed like that and if Florence Nightingale was about I am sure she would have had something to say about “Ann Summers” interpretation of a nurses uniform, complete with Velcro easy front opening!! I recovered my senses and led the way to the spare bedroom. Mary pushed past me and announced ” Boys. I hear you are unwell. Don’t worry… I am your Mummy for the week and I shall attend to your every need!” and with that she shimmied towards the bed; crossed her legs in a very provocative manner and said…”
Now, tell me exactly what your symptom’s are !”
You don’t need to guess the reaction on their faces, but needless to say I think that Mary has found her vocation.
Clive you are, as they say, ” History Mate!”