I have just read an email from Jonathan asking me not to be ” so trite”. He says he is ashamed of me and to smarten up. He tells me he is sick of looking at my Facebook profile and seeing lots of pictures of animals on there and ” feel good” slogans and motivational aids. He said he thought I was sensible and ran a company not a cotton brained Bimbo and if I continued in such a way he would be forced to terminate our friendship!.
Its true Jonathan is rather a serious and very earnest man. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t. He would like me to add that he is extremely intelligent but I don’t have any real proof of this – only some rantings from him from time to time when I hack him off. You may wonder how it is possible for me to rile him off when I am some 400 miles away. Oh I can tell you, it is easy!
Mostly I find I can do it without even trying or realising. I remember the first time we met at a Luncheon for Anti Fracking. Here and now I want to tell you that I am not really interested in whether we frack or not and probably if I had to make a choice I would come down on the fracking side. For no other reason that I would like some cheap fuel. That response is enough to make him cross.
Anyway at the luncheon to raise funds or awareness ( I really cant remember) he looked down at my shoes and said ” I bet those didn’t cost you a tenner from Bata!” which was the first words we exchanged. I followed his eyes down and agreed that indeed my rather lovely Prada Plum suede shoes indeed did NOT cost a tenner and certainly did not come from Bata, where-ever that may be. In fact truth be told, I didn’t know what or who Bata was until I came home and googled it and only came across its origins when I perfected the spelling having put “barter” in on numerous occasions! Having read about it on Wikipedia ( so it must be true!) I realised that my original gut feeling of it being a crap Shoe Shop was indeed true. No wonder it went bust in the UK! but Up the Revolution Comrade!
After that first interlude he then looked at me and asked me about politics. I replied in an ethereal manner and with a flick of the wrist ” oh its all been rather quiet lately” hoping to strike a pose which reflected intelligence and wisdom! At that point he looked at me and shouted…” Quiet! Quiet! Are you raving mad woman? It’s in a state of flux and likely to be so for some time” and he hissed through his teeth and turned away.
I quietly held out my hand and introduced myself. I could see he wasn’t impressed but I thought he was probably full of false bravado as he was well ensconced in the Tory Heartland and he was, at best a Socialist and at Worse a Commie Bastard. I found out the real reason he came to Satan’s Lair was because he had a bit of a crush on Caroline Lucas and wanted to meet her. He thought her admirable that she was very ” anti fracking” and wanted to offer his support. If there was ever a more staunch supporter of her lying down in the road at the Fracking Demonstration then I have yet to meet her/him. Yes, love is certainly in the air, especially when you are both a Green Party Member and believe in a Socialist State….When I offered him a lift to the station ( yep, that’s correct, he doesn’t own a car!) he curled his lip and said I was obscene and he wouldn’t be seen dead in a car like that. Having stunned me into silence at yet another unwarranted attack, I got my own back on leaving and made sure I splashed the bastard as I left the car park. A final glance in my window ensured he was shaking the water off his chinos which, probably, had been purchased at Bon Marche! I think in truth he was probably waiting around to do a lift share with Caroline Lucas. Either that or wait on the platform for the next train to Brighton and hope she caught it also…!!!
So its not often that I hear from Jonathan in a positive note. I am either being too frivolous on Facebook or being a capitalist bitch and sucking the economy dry. Either way, I know I cant win.
A shout goes up from downstairs! Against all my better judgment and a lot more besides, the Men of the House, egged on no doubt by Lovely Man, have installed BT Sports. I didn’t know there were so many televised football matches. Oh and Poker. Who, F F S televises Poker? Its a whole new world ! Tonight I have the pleasure of watching, or at least listening to, Stourbridge and some other equally uninspiring team have a bit of a kick about on a pitch with about 50 spectators. Hardly Premier League stuff. So I am off to bed to watch the Real Housewives of Orange County…plenty of fouling there but at least its always with chutzpah….
and if I really want to hack Jonathan off, I can talk to him about their shoes and fancy cars. After two minutes of this, he usually disappears into a puff of smoke, incandescent with rage and indignation. It’s a small result, but it gives me a bit of pleasure. Small victories I grant you, but better than none….
Now, where did I leave those Laboutins???